Warden Icicles
by ashez2ashes
Summary: Alistair and Anders do not get along. At all. Unfortunatly, they're trapped in a snowed in cabin along with their warden commander, Kaylie Amell, who may or may not end up murdering them before the snowstorm is over.


**Note:** Written for a blanket scenario challenge on the Dragon Age Fic live journal community. This is pretty insubstantial fluff, but what the heck. It's not like I write much at all anymore.

**Warden Icicles**

Being sandwiched between two good looking men in a log cabin in the wilderness during a snowstorm with only one blanket between the three should have been a girl's dream come true (or at least the start of a great smutty novel). Unfortunately, Kaylie Amell was discovering that when the two men were Anders and Alistair, it was more like being the mother of two obnoxious bickering twins.

She'd started off the night snuggled up to Alistair on the far right side, and then her lover and Anders had started an actual five year old pinch fight. She'd been forced to sit between them ever since.

Anders eyed Alistair with disgust and wrinkled his nose. "Is that stench your feet? That cannot be healthy. You may have to amputate."

Alistair scowled and tucked his feet beneath the ratty blue blanket. "There's nothing wrong with my feet!"

"Can't you put your socks back on?" Anders yanked the cover an inch back to his side.

"They're drying by the fire." Alistair indicated with a nod of his head the roaring fire in the center of the one room cabin. Despite the roaring fire, the cabin was still freezing and the ratty gray blanket the three were sharing wasn't helping much either.

Anders raised an eyebrow. "Is that what they're doing? I thought they were inching toward it to commit suicide."

"Ha ha. I'd rather smell like a man than smell like a pussy."

Anders leaned back as if struck. "Leave Sir-Pouncealot out of this!"

"That's easy enough to do, since he isn't here. I saw him run away from you at the keep. Even your cat can't stand you anymore." Alistair grinned evilly.

"Sir Pouncealot just had to find a lady friend! That's perfectly normal for cats his age!"

"Someone's cat doesn't love them anymorrrrrrre," Alistair mocked in a sing-song voice.

"Sir Pouncealot does too love me!"

Alistair tsked and leaned back on his hands. "I bet he's out there right now, telling all of his lady cat friends about this clingy human he just can't get rid of."

Ander's reached across her to do maker only knew what and Kaylie reflexively smacked his hand away. She should have known better than to go anywhere with these two. The two wardens had disliked each other practically on sight. Anders was certain that Alistair was a 'stealth Templar' and his Templar teachings threatened to burst out any moment like an unwatched cooking pot, and Alistair was convinced that Anders had been giving her 'bedroom eyes' …. Whatever the hell that meant.

"I'll have you know cats flock to me." Anders leered. "In fact, I can get all of the pussies I want. You on the other hand…."

Alistair crossed his arms over his chest. The tips of his ears had turned bright red. "I've got the best one in the world, and I don't need anyone else."

"_I'm right here."_ Kaylie resisted the urge to grab their heads and clack them together as hard as she could. Even if she could magically heal them afterwards. Probably.

"Anyone?" Anders's leer was practically etched in stone now. "I thought we were talking about cats? Dirty mind you've got there templar. Don't you have to go flog yourself now and beg forgiveness from the Maker? Or cut important bits off in pittance?"

Alistair smirked. "I think Kaylie would be rather disappointed with _that_ plan."

Kaylie scowled. "I am going to murder you both."

Alistair ignored her. "Also, I'M NOT A TEMPLAR. I never took any vows! Why is that so hard for you to understand? Do I need to explain it in smaller words? Simpler sentences? Maybe compose a pop-up book for slow children starring Ander's happy forest friends explaining why Alistair IS NOT A TEMPLAR?"

Anders scoffed. "You couldn't make a pop-up book."

"Oh yeah?" Alistair puffed up like a preening turkey. "I bet I have awe inspiring pop-up creating skills."

"Prove it!" Anders crossed his hands over his chest in a distinctly manly gesture. Kaylie wondered idly when they were going to start whipping body parts out and measuring. Hopefully the cabin didn't have a ruler anywhere…

"I will!"

The two male wardens stood up to apparently somehow find pop-up book creating materials in an abandoned cabin. Kaylie grabbed both of them by the backs of their tunics and jerked them back onto the bed. "Stay under the covers where it's warm morons!"

"Just wait till we get back to the Keep and I'll prove you wrong." Alistair rubbed the back of his neck and scowled at Anders.

"Oh we'll see about that." Anders scowled back.

Oh maker's mercy. Who knew your _brain_ could hurt?

The conversation finally tapered off after that, and Kaylie felt herself lolled into relaxation by the body heat sitting on both sides of her on the small cabin bed, and the gentle crackle of the hearth fire…

But it wasn't meant to be.

"Is that cheese?" Anders scowled. "Where the hell did you get cheese?"

Alistair rolled his eyes. "From my pack?"

"Commannnnnderrrrr!" Anders whipped toward her. "Alistair isn't sharing!"

Alistair cradled his small wheel of cheese protectively to his body. "I don't have to share my cheese!"

"And you're not even sharing it with the woman you love? How gallant of you." Ander gave her a look of mock pity, as if she cared about the damn cheese. Which she didn't, because she had a bag of beef jerky in her pack. And she wasn't sharing.

Alistair looked up at her and slowly broke off half of his wheel. With extreme hesitation he offered the piece to her. He looked like he'd just cut his puppy in half.

Kaylie sighed and patted his hand. "Sweetheart, you don't have to share your cheese with me."

Alistair jammed the offered piece into his own mouth and then gave Anders a look that clearly said **TAKE THAT**.

"It doesn't look like good cheese anyways." Anders pouted and looked away.

"Mmmmm this is delicious cheese. Mmmmmmm." Alistair made some wanton pleased sounds around his piece of cheese that made Kaylie's face warm.

Anders gagged. "Stop getting off on the cheese!

Alistair's head suddenly resembled a ripe tomato. "I AM NOT!"

"What do you think—" Anders made some wanton sounds of his own that caused Kaylie to cover her red face with her hands and wish she was anywhere else. "—Sounds like?"

"Stop ruining cheese for me!"

"Go ahead pleasure yourself. I'll just turn around until you're done…" Anders turned to face the cabin wall with a dramatic flourish.

Alistair defiantly popped the rest of the dark orange cheese in his mouth. "You won't—" Munch. "—Stop me—" Munch. "—From enjoying this." Munch.

Kaylie idly wondered if this was the feeling a mage got right before they turned to blood magic.

The group enjoyed three whole minutes of silence until...

"Surely your socks are dry now?" Anders nodded toward the fire where several articles of clothing were laying out to dry.

Alistair sighed. "Just lay off my feet will you? It's not as if your feet smell like roses."

"They smell better than yours!"

"He who smelt it, dealt it." Alistair nodded at his wisdom.

"That's flatulence." Anders rolled his eyes.

"The same principle applies stinky."

"I can prove my feet don't stink!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" Anders begun to take his leg out of the covers and Kaylie yanked him back onto the bed again.

They were not having a feet smelling contest. NO. Just…no.

"Let's just go to sleep. I'm tired." Kaylie shivered and brought the blanket up to her chin.

"But I'm not sleepy yet…" Alistair grumbled and then perked up. "We could tell stories to pass the time?"

"Tell us a bedtime story commander pleeeeeeeease?" Anders laughed.

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"Commander, make the story all about unicorns and rainbows!" Anders snickered. "Poor Kaylie …" He patted her arm gingerly. "You must have had a lot of disappointing nights."

"Screw you Anders!" Alistair crossed his arms over his chest.

"Sorry I don't swing that way."

"Neither do I!" Alistair flailed his hands expressively in the air and almost poked Kaylie in the eye.

"Then why the _invitation_?" Anders waggled his eyebrows.

"It was a figure of speech!"

"Rrrrright. I better not wake up in the middle of the night to find you spooning me." Anders inched away on the bed and eyed Alistair suspiciously.

Kaylie glanced up at each of them in turn, reached a hand up—

And smacked them both in the back of the head. Hard.

Alistair looked dejected and rubbed the back of his head. "Why'd you hit me too? I'm your favorite!"

Anders leered toward Kaylie . "She's just mad because we're not having a threesome."

Something deep within Kaylie snapped. All encompassing cold fury swept through her very being with such intensity it struck her speechless. The sky turned black. Cats lay down with dogs. The oceans turned to blood. Oghren used soap and other assorted apocalyptic imagery.

"Look what you did!" Alistair pointed a finger at Anders. "You made her mad!"

"I did? It's your fault!"

"It's yours!"

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is not infinity!"

"Is too infinity plus one!"

"You can't add to infinity!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"Can—"

There was a flash of light and the two bickering wardens fell back to the bed with a thud; knocked cold from a sleep spell.

Two days later they awoke to find themselves spooning. The next few days were awkward for all involved.

Kaylie wasn't sorry.


End file.
